Why I Chose This Picture

When I decided to add a few pictures to my blog, I specifically chose the one of Amanda not only because it was a good picture of her that I knew she would not be upset by (she is a teenager and for her that matters), but I also chose it because I knew the real story behind the lens.

I realized early on in this journey that it was very important to Amanda that people not perceive her as being “sick”, and that she would go to any length to maintain the façade among the majority of her peers. When her symptoms first began to appear and we had no real diagnosis, people all around us began to whisper cancer, and made assumptions about the outcome. One mom even went so far as to make her a “special” blanket. Students in her classes made a few comments and asked questions, so she began to keep her symptoms low key when out in public. Only a few select friends and some of the school staff really know her situation, and I have agreed to keep it that way whenever possible.

I asked her during a conversation why she hides how bad she feels, and she responded that people do not want to be around sick people….they just see it as negative. As a result, she hides how she feels to all but those closest to her, or to those that are observant enough to recognize when she is just not herself.

On the surface, no one viewing the photo would have a clue that she was having a bad week and was feeling sick. In fact, earlier that day, her doctor saw Amanda due to a bad migraine headache that we believe was related to her scalp condition. Her doctor expressed concern about the hair loss that occurred since her visit a few weeks prior, and once again, blood work was ordered. Her primary doctor also suggested that we try to get her into the UCSF Medical center team that follows her case sooner than originally scheduled.

She was scheduled to have team photos taken with her cheer group that afternoon as well. I really did not see how she would pull it together, and was resigned to a group of photos that would not turn out well. She was so exhausted by the time we left the doctors office that she had to lay down for a ½ hr nap before getting dressed in her uniform. I was really surprised by her ability to step out of the car and cover how she really felt. No one in the group had any idea that she had a major headache and was losing large quantities of hair. Her hair was styled in a way that covered the thinning areas, and she pulled out a smile that hid how she was really feeling. The photo posted here is actually a group shot that I cropped to show just her. I was proud of her strength and determination to live life to the fullest. It would have been so easy for her to beg out of the shoot and just lay on that couch at home.